Young Story Writer in Year 5

19/1/2018

Young Story Writer in Year 5

Fraser In year 5 has been trying really hard with his independent writing and would love to have some feedback from you all! He is thinking about making this a regular blog. What do you think?

Chapter 1
2037 USA

In the USA in 2037 Agent James is undercover to find out what Alex's evil plans are. James has a spy dog, he is 9. James is 32. James is walking with his dog spying on their rival when they saw a robber breaking into a bank. “Stop” shouted James chasing him into the bank. He caught him and brought him to the floor. The cops came and arrested him. “Thanks again James” said the cops. As James was getting back to spying on Alex he saw him with a console under his arm. “How peculiar” thought James. The door was open, Alex wasn't looking so James darted to the door, got in and hid. Being in his rival's base was cool plus he had machine’s building robot’s, and then putting the robot’s into consoles. He then stared at the generator. “Wow” he thought. As he moved on he saw the consoles piled up, there where millions of them.

It was Christmas eve and tomorrow he would get his gadgets as a Christmas present .Alex was on the move so all James would have to do is keep up. Alex went into the bank and came out with £1487.25 to be precise but then vans started coming out the back of Alex’s base. In shop’s crowds started to gather for the new console, the Pro 64. The attractive console was snow white with Alex’s logo stamped upon it. The five aisles of consoles ready to be.

54 Comments

Dan

19/1/2018 05:08:48 pm

Well done Fraser! I can't wait for chapter 2!

Nishath Rahman

20/1/2018 04:26:20 pm

I love the opening to your story! Fantastic work Fraser

Jan

20/1/2018 07:28:27 am

Wow! I am gripped already can’t wait for more. Well done Fraser

Chris

20/1/2018 07:37:20 am

Wow filled can’t wait to see what happens next!

Mrs Benson

20/1/2018 08:15:53 am

What is Alex up to? It all sounds mighty suspicious to me...I need to be able to read on. I look forward to finding out Fraser! Well done you!

Miss Collins

20/1/2018 08:18:57 am

Wow great start to your story. Look forward to the rest.
Well done Fraser.

Mr Larter

20/1/2018 08:25:28 am

What a super start Fraser! You must have worked really hard on it. Can’t wait for the next part - keep it up!
From St Hilary School, Penzance.

Mrs Eadie

20/1/2018 08:37:17 am

What a dramatic start! Well done, Fraser.

Mrs Wolter

20/1/2018 09:11:16 am

Wow Fraser, this is a great first chapter. I think my class would love to hear your story. Can’t wait to find out what happens!
Mrs Wolter (a year 1 teacher from Rutland)

Mrs Harrison - liverpool

20/1/2018 09:18:20 am

Wow. Can’t wait to read what happens next - I wonder if the
Dog 🐶 Will have any roles to play ?

Mrs Davies

20/1/2018 09:27:53 am

What a gripping start to the adventure. Hurry and write Chapter 2...I want to know what those robots are going to do! My class will love this story.

Miss Smith

20/1/2018 09:29:27 am

Wow a really good start. I hope we get to find out what happens next

Miss Hicks

20/1/2018 09:32:56 am

Wow!!! The suspense you have built is fantastic, I can't wait for Chapter 2. I have a feeling that those robots may not be too friendly. Well done Fraser :-)

Miss Nilson

20/1/2018 09:34:24 am

Wow this is great! So intrigued to find out what happens next. What are the robots going to do?!!

Mrs Miller

20/1/2018 09:36:33 am

Such an interesting idea for your story you must have a great imagination!

Miss Sam link

20/1/2018 09:41:33 am

Well done for starting your sentences in different ways, Fraser!
When will I get to read what happens next? I can’t wait!

Miss Williams

20/1/2018 09:41:33 am

What a gripping story! I look forward to reading the next part. Well done Fraser.

One tip to improve it even further...check your punctuation and paragraphing as it will help with the drama and suspense! :0)

Mrs O'Neill

20/1/2018 09:43:09 am

Well done Frasier, I've read your story from New Zealand, and am looking forward to the next chapter, maybe 'Alex' could travel the world!

Pauline link

20/1/2018 09:45:00 am

What a gripping start, action packed already!,
Please post chap 2

C Mallett

20/1/2018 09:49:18 am

A great introduction to your characters and story Fraser- I loved the picture of him stood there with his dog watching all the vans, full of evil robot consoles, heading out into the city on Christmas Eve. Looking forward to finding out where some of them land and what chaos they cause!

Mrs Shaw

20/1/2018 09:49:47 am

I’m hooked! I can’t wait for Chapter 2. Well done, Fraser!

Mrs Marsh

20/1/2018 09:59:47 am

Well done, Fraser. This is a great start to your story. You've made some brilliant word choices, which makes it really exciting for the reader. I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter.

Mr Hilder

20/1/2018 10:01:12 am

What an exciting first chapter Fraser! Robots inside consoles sounds like a very devious plan. I can't wait for the next chapter...

Rosie

20/1/2018 10:03:35 am

Love the use of 'darted' and 'how peculiar'.
From Rosie living and working in Bangkok, Thailand.

Mrs Monaghan

20/1/2018 10:08:40 am

Well done Fraser, keep on writing, from Western Australia.

Mrs Anna

20/1/2018 10:16:07 am

You've kept us all in suspense! I'll be sharing your story with my year 5's here in Cyprus. We'll look forward to reading what happens next!

Ms Mac

20/1/2018 10:25:15 am

Wow Fraser, I've got this sneaking suspicion that the police might be in on this dodgy dealing. Can't wait to find out where the consoles came from and what's secretly been going on.

Julie

20/1/2018 10:35:28 am

Your imagination has no bounds so why should your writing be limited? I loved reading this and began to wonder more about Alex's life. I was hooked in straight away because there was obviously a crime going on; I was intrigued. Keep writing Fraser, as other people can share your fab imagination and ideas.

Liz Green

20/1/2018 11:14:41 am

Super proud, Fraser! Mummy, Daddy and Miles are excited for the next Chapter!

Mrs Everett

20/1/2018 12:15:46 pm

Wow, Fraser! I remember when you told me about your story in our Tech lesson last week, so glad I got to read it and am very impressed indeed! Perhaps your key holder you’re making could have a theme inspired by the story-I’m thinking future merchandising opportunities?! You should be very proud of yourself.

Mrs. Wood

20/1/2018 01:00:25 pm

I'm very excited to read the next chapter!

J Want

20/1/2018 01:22:35 pm

What a great start to the story, love the build up of suspense.

Kayleigh

20/1/2018 03:07:29 pm

A lovely start Fraser! Can’t wait to read the rest of the story. Keep writing - you’re great at it.
From Kayleigh in the West Midlands.

Miss Tiffany

20/1/2018 03:39:00 pm

Loving the start to your story Fraser. Some fanatastic descriptive phrases, great word choices (I can see you must read spy stories!) and lots of suspense built. Looking forward to seeing what happens next!
Miss Tiffany - Year 5 teacher from Manchester.

Mrs Smith link

20/1/2018 05:29:06 pm

What a fantastic start to a story. I can't wait for the next chapter.

Miss Wills

20/1/2018 05:54:31 pm

I really can't wait to read what happens next! I need to know what Alex ora up to and how James and his dog will react. Keep up the awesome writing from Miss Wills in New Zealand

Miss Mills

20/1/2018 05:55:44 pm

Well done Fraser, I can’t wait to read the next chapter and find out what happens with Agent James and Alex.

Lou

20/1/2018 08:06:52 pm

Fantastic vocabulary. Looking forward to reading chapter 2 when it's published. You must be super proud of yourself Fraser.
Lou, Primary Teacher, Scotland

Mrs Bedford

20/1/2018 08:18:51 pm

Great story so far Fraser! Is this the one you were telling me about? I look forward to reading more!

KML

20/1/2018 08:27:39 pm

You’ve got me hooked! I want a Pro64 now.

Ms Tuckett - Leicestershire

20/1/2018 08:38:32 pm

Great start, Fraser. I want to know what happens next. Please post it when you've finished.

Sally - Melbourne, Australia

20/1/2018 08:54:03 pm

Hi Fraser, thanks for sharing your story. I love a good spy story and am very intrigued by those consoles, I wonder what Alex has got planned?

Barb

20/1/2018 09:43:11 pm

Well done Fraser. I’m looking forward to reading about what happens next.
Barb (Brisbane)

Lucy Cox

20/1/2018 10:11:42 pm

When is part 2 coming out?! I love a spy story.

Lucy Cox
- Bournemouth

Mrs Hall (NSW, Australia)

20/1/2018 10:27:02 pm

Loved reading about James and look forward to reading more about what kind of adventures his job takes him to and learning more about his character. I am already wondering if he is a nerdy spy or a cool one! Alex sounds very suspicious!

Chritine

21/1/2018 12:02:37 am

This is a great start to your novel. Characters are clear and your choice of words had me wanting more of your book.
Well done your story has reached Australia.

Kate Worrall

21/1/2018 12:33:19 am

I really want to learn more about your nine year old spy dog. I bet he has some amazing skills that are all stored up in your head just bursting to be written down so we can share them! I’m a teacher librarian in a primary school in Alice Springs, Central Australia.

Rebecca Arrowsmith

21/1/2018 06:53:04 am

I couldn't stop reading once I'd started, great first chapter! My imagination is buzzing trying to work out what those robots are going to get up to.
(Whitby, New Zealand)

Miss Wilkes

21/1/2018 08:22:17 am

This is fantastic! I love your attention to small details, it makes the reader feel like a spy themselves, noticing all the little clues!

(Year 3 teacher, Luxembourg)

Miss Cardigan

21/1/2018 09:02:54 am

Wow! I wanted to read more. I am at the edge of my seat. I can't wait to read the next chapter.

Mr Watson

21/1/2018 10:09:41 am

Great story opener filling us with intrigue and anticipation. Well done! And isn’t it great to see your chapter one has been read in countries beyond the UK. Better not keep the world waiting too long for chapter 2.

Juile link

21/1/2018 01:05:33 pm

Wow! What an exciting start! It has left me hungry for more!! A sure sign of an excellent writer!

Mr Phelps

21/1/2018 01:25:18 pm

I’m not sure I can wait a whole week for the next chapter. I might have to get a sneak preview at tutor time. Well done Fraser, a great first chapter.

Freya

18/3/2018 07:21:29 pm

Well done Fraser can’t wait for the next chapter

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